Wednesday 17 July 2013

Empty

I feel empty. I am an empty vessel. I feel like I'm a Vulcan, devoid of any feelings or emotions. Like someone's switched something off inside me. 

I'm the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. I have no heart. Inside I only feel cold or nothingness. I don't feel sad, happy, upset or angry. Nothing seems to bother me. Nobody annoys me anymore. My opinions seem pointless so why should I share them.


I'm a spectator. An observer of life. I don't participate. I feel like I'm invisible. I long to be invisible. I've spent most of my life wishing I didn't. To not exist is my birthday wish each year. I'm still waiting for the wish to come true.


When I'm out as a part of a group, I long to disappear. If I sit still long enough and don't move I will blend into the background. The people I'm sitting with will forget I'm there. Leaving me to listen. Information goes into my head but nothing comes out of my mouth.


Being empty doesn't worry me. It's actually a big relief. I'd rather feel nothing than feel too much which is my other mode. I hate it when I am consumed with depression, despair, self-hatred, self-loathing. When I feel too much I feel haunted by my past which is played over and over in my head. Being plagued with constant obsessive and negative thoughts doesn't leave much room for anything else.


Living with emptiness is fine with me. Even though I feel like I've stopped  living. I don't feel like I have a life anymore. 


When I feel empty, emotions feel alien to me and I'm ok with it.

I wish....

I wish I wasn't me.  I wish I was a few inches shorter and a few stone lighter with smaller feet and a lot less curves. I wish I could be happy about my body. Dressing to show it off and not dressing to hide it because I'm ashamed. 

I wish that all my smiles and laugh weren't always fake. A way of hiding what I'm really feeling. Natural smiles and laugher seems an alien concept nowadays. 


I wish I was genuinely happy about myself and my so called life. If I could remove the big weight of depression hanging around my neck weighing me down so I only look at the ground. But I can't. It's here to stay.


I wish I stopped relying on my many masks and be the real me. But I think I've forgotten who the real me is. 


I wish I was the type of girl that guys fall for, even notice. I can't remember when a guy last checked me out or when builders wolf whistled at me when they drove past me.


I wish I could speak my mind and voice my opinions without worrying about the consequences. But I don't think anyone would want to hear anything that I'd want to say. When I speak my dull, droning voice sends people to sleep.


I wish I was a sociable creature. A social butterfly or night owl with a busy social life which meant I was never home. In fact I wish I didn't live at home so I could leave long enough between visits that my parents missed me. I wish I wasn't me.