Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. No sooner have I come to terms with the fact that I spent another consecutive New Year’s Eve alone than Valentine’s Day comes along to remind me that I am still single.
Usually on this “special” day I bury my head in the sand and hide out in my bedroom watching romantic comedies or napping away the day.
Sometimes I have even tried to get on with my day like usual and found myself feeling insanely jealous and lonely when I come across any happy couples out and about. Every couple I see is like a slap in the face for me on Valentine’s Day, which makes me feel like I am the only single person left in the world.
But this year is going to be different. I am no longer going to think to myself, ‘Maybe next year it will be different.’ I have been single for four and a bit years.
I decided a while back to stop counting the time that has passed since my last relationship ended. Knowing the number of years, months and weeks wouldn’t help me. The relationship seems a distance blur now. Like it happened to someone else or it was actually a dream or rather a nightmare.
I don’t anticipate my relationship status changing anytime soon and have sort of accepted that I will be a forever singleton. I have decided that I no longer wish my single status to depress me and make me feel bad about myself.
I will accept that not being in a relationship doesn’t invalidate my existence. I always felt that being in a relationship did this as it gave me the title of “girlfriend”.
On February 14th, I am going to embrace the special day and make it all about me. I am going to use the day to acknowledge the progress I have made mentally in terms of my Borderline Personality Disorder and depression over the last five months and counting.
I am going accept the fact I am moving forwards for once instead of feeling like I am stuck or going backwards most of the time.
I’m going to find ways to massage my low self-esteem and self-hatred. I feel like I am finally ready to work on myself and improving my wellbeing. Hopefully this will improve my mental health and help me to start to love myself.
I’m going to pamper myself and get my hair dyed at college. It will help me start to feel happier about my appearance.
I am going to also treat myself to lunch at Wagamamas and order my favourite dishes Katsu chicken curry and Chilli Squid. I will not allow myself to be embarrassed about the fact I am dining alone.
If I feel up to it I will flirt with the cute waiter that works there. A spot of flirting makes anyone’s day.
I’m going to buy myself a lovely colourful bunch of flowers and put them in a vase on a shelf above my TV in my room. They will make me smile days after Valentine’s has come and gone. After all most flowers are now guaranteed for a week nowadays.
I don’t recall ever getting a bunch of flowers on Valentine’s Day from any of my previous suitors. I’ve had to be a spectator of my sisters and friends getting flowers on this romantic day for so many years.
The age of Facebook makes it worse as my news feed gets overloaded by photos of friends and their partner’s grand romantic gestures.
My first proper boyfriend did, however give me a pot of frost bitten roses from a garden centre. He left on my front doorstep in the middle of the night and when I found them they were half dead because of the cold night air.
They died within a few weeks and in hindsight I think it was a sign that the relationship was doomed. The relationship slowly unravelled after Valentine’s Day and we broke up a few months later when I found out he had cheated on me with a work colleague who he later married.
I’ve been bold and brought myself a Valentine’s Day card, which was a task and a half. Most Valentine’s cards are filled with romantic sentiments and declarations of love.
The shop assistant seemed amused when I took my chosen card to the till at Paperchase and told her I was buying it for myself. But when I explained my reasoning she thought it was a lovely idea.
It might take me some time to fill the card with positive things about myself. I am good at listing friends and family’s positive qualities but find it hard to list mine.
I will also list inside the card the positives of being single and not being in a relationship. To remind me how good I have it. Like the fact I can do what I want when I want and don’t have to share my bed with anyone who might hog the duvet.
Hopefully my Valentine’s Day card will return to me after I post it off and won’t get lost. When I open it on the special day I will put it up in my room for a week. Once the week is over I will keep it safe in my journal so I can get it out when I’m experiencing dark times.
When Valentine’s Day arrives if I feel sad about being single I will fill the void with knowledge that I am loved by my friends and family. That knowledge will keep me going every other day of the year. So Valentine’s Day will not different.
A few friends have told me that I need to learn to love myself before will find love again. I am starting to believe that they are right. Over the last few months I have found myself gradually liking myself and believing in myself more. Hopefully I am on right path to reaching my goal of gaining self-love.
When I do I hope I am destined to meet a guy who loves me for who I am inside and out and would never dream of changing me.
But for now, it’s HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ME!
