Darkness

I think my mind is full of my own personal darkness, which grabs hold of my brain with its large claw like hands and tries to squeeze out all the good in my mind.

The darkness that fills my mind is my depression which initially was an unwelcome friend, but now is more like a friendly foe.

I’m used to the darkness lingering, polluting my mind creeping into every existing though that lives in my mind and planting seeds of darkness in new thoughts and feelings, tainting them leaving inky fingerprints wherever it goes.

Darkness is really a constant friend, whispering in my ear planting seeds of doubt and turning positive things into negative and paranoid things. Darkness clings to me and it's always one step behind me like my second shadow, which I can only see.

But people can see glimpses of my darkness in my eyes, as they don’t sparkle anymore, like they used to before the depression came to stay. The darkness lingers in my pupils, making them look like two bottomless pools.

The darkness is here to stay I’m afraid.

Silence

I hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and I can hear nothing. No one in the house or outside making any noise. It’s like the world has been muted.

Thoughts that bounce around my head in turn calling out; trying to get my attention. I can’t ignore them; if I try they get louder, like they are screaming at me. I wish my mind was able to silence my thoughts and allow me to fall back to sleep. The thoughts are never positive they are always negative, super critical.

They are often recalling all the stupid things I’ve said or done during the last day, week or month. Silence can bring nightmares to life which is hard to let go no matter how hard I try.

I hate silences when I am left with just my thoughts for company. My thoughts are never good company. They are always full of self-hatred, disgust and dissatisfaction.

Silence makes me anxious even when I am amongst people. The silence when people I’m with stop talking, the awkward silence. I wish I was a mind reader so I could find out what they were thinking during the awkward silence. It makes me paranoid, I always think people are thinking horrible, mean things about me during periods of awkward silence, silently judging and criticising me.

I end up talking gibberish when I find myself in the midst of an awkward silence. I can’t stop talking about random things that nobody wants to talk about. Awkward silences are my Achilles heel, which ironically I seem to have lots of, even though I’m only supposed to have just one.

Silence is not my friend. It’s my long standing enemy. It leaves me on my own with just the thoughts that are inside my head, which are never quiet and I can never escape them. Silence is more like a ‘Frenemy’. Nothing good happens when silence occurs.