Him

I hate it when my brain subconsciously tricks me into thinking I miss him, when I don’t miss him and I don’t want to miss him! He is part of my past and he should stay in the past. But why is everything reminding me of him? Triggering memories I buried years ago. That I want to stay buried. That I need to stay buried.

When one good memory of times we shared together pops into my head making me slightly miss you, ten bad memories follow suit.  Bad memories overshadow good memories because he always flipped from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde. For the last half of our relationship he saved the Hyde moments for me and only me. I was his unlucky victim.

He gradually pulled me apart with his words. His critical, judging, negative, hateful, disgusted words. Chipping away at me. Destroying me. Words can cause you harm even though you can’t see the wounds and bruises.  If words could cause harm I would have been littered with bruises which other people would have seen.  Maybe they would have realised what was going on and perhaps tried to protect me.

He tore apart the little self-confidence and self-esteem I had and left me vulnerable and exposed. He tried to mould me into what he wanted me to be. Didn’t he fall in love with me for who I was when we first met? Wasn’t it love at first sight? Or did he see the potential for a girlfriend he could sculpt into his ideal girl?

Maybe he wanted me to be his own Stepford Wife. Someone who followed his orders, constantly pleasing him, doing only want he wanted, following his commands and never talking back.

Why did I keep quiet about how he treated me? Why did I sufferer in silence? Why does our relationship stop me from meeting another guy? What’s holding me back? Will someone ever be able to love me and love me for who I am? Will someone be able to knock down the wall I’ve made around me? Or cut away the emotional baggage the invisible suitcases that are chained to me and go everywhere with me? Is the phrase – ‘once bitten twice shy’ true? Am I destined to be alone?

I don’t have any answers to the questions that bounce around my head. Like lottery balls ricocheting off each other.  The questions are screamed out inside my head for only me to hear.

One thing I definitely know is he couldn’t have genuinely loved me. That was not real love. It couldn’t have been. Does anyone have the answers? Where is my Knight in Shining Armour to rescue me? Who will show me what real love is?

Silence

I hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and I can hear nothing. No one in the house or outside making any noise. It’s like the world has been muted.

Thoughts that bounce around my head in turn calling out; trying to get my attention. I can’t ignore them; if I try they get louder, like they are screaming at me. I wish my mind was able to silence my thoughts and allow me to fall back to sleep. The thoughts are never positive they are always negative, super critical.

They are often recalling all the stupid things I’ve said or done during the last day, week or month. Silence can bring nightmares to life which is hard to let go no matter how hard I try.

I hate silences when I am left with just my thoughts for company. My thoughts are never good company. They are always full of self-hatred, disgust and dissatisfaction.

Silence makes me anxious even when I am amongst people. The silence when people I’m with stop talking, the awkward silence. I wish I was a mind reader so I could find out what they were thinking during the awkward silence. It makes me paranoid, I always think people are thinking horrible, mean things about me during periods of awkward silence, silently judging and criticising me.

I end up talking gibberish when I find myself in the midst of an awkward silence. I can’t stop talking about random things that nobody wants to talk about. Awkward silences are my Achilles heel, which ironically I seem to have lots of, even though I’m only supposed to have just one.

Silence is not my friend. It’s my long standing enemy. It leaves me on my own with just the thoughts that are inside my head, which are never quiet and I can never escape them. Silence is more like a ‘Frenemy’. Nothing good happens when silence occurs.