My eyes don’t sparkle anymore since M.E and depression sucked the life out of them. They now look lifeless and empty. I have a permanent big dark circle round each eye, making me resemble a washed out panda, now grey and white not black and white.
The skin that holds my face together is dull, pale and even
translucent. My freckles now look like abandoned old smudges when painters are
trying to get the right colour brown for a painting. My lips sport a constant
frown and my frown is hardly ever turned upside down.
My lips are littered with bite marks, a sign of my anxiety. I can gnaw away on my lips for minutes without
realising it. I like it when my lips are sore, the tingling makes me feel alive
inside, when I spend most of the time feeling like I’m part of the walking
dead.
My face is no longer slender and long, not since I became ill with M.E
and depression. Medication I take daily causes weight gain. Not taking them is
not an option, so I can never win. My youthful face is now round, swollen and
puffy. I feel like it has doubled in size like a football.
I don’t like the new me, I look like a complete stranger, a tortured,
lonely creature. Like someone has replaced me with a shadow of my former self.
To be honest, I didn’t like the old me, but at least it was familiar, a
reflection I recognised. I don’t recognise me now, and I don’t think I ever will.
It’s just a horrible reminder of my life before illnesses took over my mind and
body. It’s always someone else staring back at me in the mirror.
So mirrors are not my friends, they are my enemies and I doubt this
will change.
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