Even when the sun is shining when I’m outside, I’m unable to
appreciate it. As my rain cloud stubbornly hovers over me. Preventing me from
enjoying the warmth and happiness it brings other lucky people. Sunshine can’t
give me rays of light relief. Instead my rain cloud drenches me with rain drops
of doom and gloom.
Each tiny little rain drop hits me with great force. Like
someone is punching me in the stomach each time. Each punch triggers negative,
obsessive, self-doubting, hopeless thoughts which overwhelm and numb me. It
makes it hard to think straight. Let alone function like a normal human being.
The rain drops also wash away any colour from me and my
clothes. Turning me into a monochrome person. Like a character from the film
Pleasantville. A black and white
photocopy of my former self. Suppressing happy thoughts and emotions.
Once in a blue moon I look up and my rain cloud isn’t there
causing me to think that it might have left me for good. I start to feel lighter
and freer. But it doesn’t last. It never does. The rain cloud slowly creeps
back across the sky. Polluting my mind.
I long for someone to rescue me. My Knight in Shining armour.
Armed with a leaf blower to permanently relieve me of my life sucking rain
cloud and fill the sky above me with fluffy white clouds and crystal clear blue
sky. We would bathe in the warmth of the sun together and I would be filled
with hope and happiness.
But I doubt I will be rescued. I’ve been waiting for over a
third of my life and it hasn’t happened. I don’t think anyone will be up for
the challenge.
So I think for the foreseeable future, it’s just going to be
me and my cloud.
What fun will that be.
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