Erasing myself

I wish I could erase myself from the minds of my family and friends. Like Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet  do in the film Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. So I could leave home and catch a train to somewhere faraway and start again. Somewhere completely new.

They wouldn’t miss me as they wouldn’t know me. I wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving as they wouldn’t know I’d left. They’d just be confused by their spare room looking like someone lived in it even though they couldn’t remember who lived there. I’d remove all the photos of me around the house. 

The day of my leaving I’d pack the bits I was taking with me in the middle of the night and hide it on the back garden doorstep. After breakfast I’d kiss my parents goodbye as they left for work and set off soon afterwards.

I’d catch a train with a few belongings in a wheelie suitcase and randomly choose somewhere to call home by shutting my eyes and pointing at the rail map. Where my finger lands will be my new home.

Armed with the money I’d saved up for my escape I'd find a bedsit to call home. I’d have a corner where I’d put photos of my family as a reminder of where I came from. If anyone asked me who they were I’d say the photos came with the photo frames.

I’d reinvent myself. Change the style and colour of my hair and the clothes I wear. I might even change my name by Deed poll. Perhaps to Betsy, Avery or Emilia. I never thought I suited my given name anyway.

I’d control what people knew about me and keep some things back. My history would be on a need to know basis. If pushed I’d rewrite my past and keep it light and cheery. I’d rewrite my backstory so it excludes my family. If someone asked about my family I’d say I was an orphan with no family to speak of. I’d be happy starting afresh,  meeting new people and finding a job I could flourish in. Maybe there’d be a chance of romance. A flight of fancy. I think I’d like that.

I’d make a journey once a year on the anniversary of my leaving and come back to my hometown. I’d watch my family from afar and make sure they were ok and importantly, happy. I’d go to their favourite Italian café on a Saturday morning and sit at a table near their favourite spot. I’d listen to them happily chatting amongst each other. 

My niece might drop something on the floor and I would be near enough to give it back to her. She might flash me the smile that used to fill my heart with love. I’d bottle that love so it would last a whole year. When I left the café there would be no goodbyes as I’d be a stranger to them. My face wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. I’d be a nobody.

My family would be happy so that would make me happy and that’s what matters. Living in two different worlds.