Friday 27 December 2013

My history with friendships and what I’ve learnt about them in 2013

The Oxford dictionary defines friendship as, “The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.”

In some ways I think I would be better off without friends. Leading a hermit life whilst being friendless. I have always found friendships tricky, like a friendship minefield. One false move and you’ve reduced your friendship into tatters. I feel like I am constantly charting a boat in uncharted waters.

In primary school I don’t think I made any proper friends and preferred to clean classrooms during lunchtime instead of leaving myself vulnerable on the school playground. Things got a lot worse in secondary school. I tried to integrate with other children and join friendship groups but I always felt like an outsider.

When other girls singled me out to be their best friend, I always wary of being flavour of the month. It never lasted. I was always cast out after the month is up and replaced by a more popular girl. In sixth form I spent two years being bullied by a group of girls.

The ring leader being the first friend I made when I got to secondary school. In the end I survived school by being a loner, which meant I was less valuable and less paranoid. My issues with friends and friendships didn’t stop when I left secondary school. It continued throughout my adult life.

A handful of friends have stuck by me. But most have disappeared into a puff of smoke or left my life leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

I feel that I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons about friendships this year, which I have changed my perspective about friendships past and present.

I have realised that it not best not to label friends with terms like close friends and best friends. Putting friends on imaginary pedestals, leads to disappointment and me being let down in spectacular fashion. 


I have in turn learnt not to put any friend before my family and more importantly myself. I must remember blood is thicker than water.

I have discovered that friendships constantly evolve as they exist between two people. A friendship is a two way street. A balancing act like two children on a see-saw.

I now acknowledge that sometimes friendships naturally run their course and I need to learn to let go. There’s no point trying to fix a flagging friendship on your own, because you’re clutching onto memories of when it was a healthy friendship. You cannot operate a friendship on your own. 

There’s no point dwelling on lost friendship as you get to keep the fond memories of times you shared together.


I have learnt the hard way that there is no point wasting my time or energy on fair weather friends who take, take, take when they need someone. But in turn disappear when things aren’t going well for me and I need extra support. Not responding to my calls or texts. This has led me to realise that I need to keep friends that have stayed by me through dark and disappearing times close to my heart.

The most important thing I have learnt is that I am actually a good, loyal, caring and trustworthy friend. When I doubt my ability as a friend I just need to reflect on my healthy existing friendships and what I bring to the friendships. After all many people have been friends with a person for 30 years and counting.

Hopefully the lessons about friendships I have learnt this year will stay with me next year. Enabling my existing friendships to stay healthy and allowing me to recognise faux friendships. More importantly I hope what I’ve learnt means I can make new friends more easily without being paranoid of people’s ulterior motives.

When it comes down to friendships, I think my future is bright.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Friday 6 December 2013

Untitled Novel: Chapter 1

“So this is it,” Avery whispered to herself as she watched the taxi disappear up the unfamiliar road. Part of her was hoping the taxi would come back and return her to the train station.

She was hit with the sudden urge to go back home; to be with her mum and her twin Mona. Neither of them had wanted her to up sticks and leave home, let alone move counties. Watford was over three hours away from her home town York which suited her; even if it didn’t suit them.

But deep down they knew she longed for a fresh start. To go somewhere where people didn’t know her and wouldn’t judge her. She felt haunted being in York; constantly haunted by bad memories and all her bad decisions. They kept bouncing around her head; screaming inside her at the same time. Each one competing to be the loudest.

She was pleased that even though it was hard for her mum and Mona to accept that she needed to leave, they knew they had to let her go.  They needed to allow her to find somewhere where she could be happy and escape the darkness that surrounded her in York.

They would have to lump it and make do with scheduled phone calls and sporadic texts. The final condition was the most important. She had to take her medication daily without fail.  However, there were a few conditions that she had to adhere to.

She had to call home every other day without fail and be honest with them. Tell them whenever she wasn’t coping.  Instead of keeping an eye on her in the flesh, they would have to rely on technology to keep them in contact.

She realised that she had rushed into moving out. One day she was searching on ‘Gumtree’ for a second hand laptop case for her mum and suddenly found herself looking at the ‘Room to let’ section.

The next day she surprised herself and her family by accepting a room in a shared house in Watford. She’d never been to Watford before. She was adamant that she didn’t want to view the property before she decided if she was going to take the room or not.

She’d seen a few blurry photos of ‘her’ room and to her family's annoyance that was enough for her. From now on she was all about ‘Carpe Diem’.  Seize the day. To her amusement when she mentioned Carpe Diem to Mona, she thought it meant Fish of the Day.

The house was a Victorian Terrace on a road called Swallowfield Avenue. Avery was convinced this was fate. Swallows represent freedom and this was what she wanted; somewhere to spread her wings and be free.

The room was a ground floor bedroom of a shared house. It looked quite spacious but only had a single bed in it, which was pushed against a wall. The size of the bed suited her down to the ground. She wasn’t anticipating sharing her bed with anyone. Sharing beds just led to complications, disappointments and heartache which she couldn’t deal with. Not anymore. She’d experienced enough heartache to last her a life time; twice over.

She was pulled from her thoughts as she felt something land on the left shoulder of her khaki parka jacket. Curiously she looked down to see what was there. Her pale powder blue eyes widened in horror as she realised what it was.

“Really! Really?” she exclaimed not caring who heard her. “Bird poop! Seriously?”

For a moment she just stared at the off white, thick creamy stain, trying to work out if it was a bad sign.  A bird pooping on you was supposed to be lucky. But knowing her luck it was unlucky. She didn’t know what to do with it as she’d packed her box of tissues in one of her cases and didn’t want to go searching. So even though the bird poop stood out like a sore thumb, it would have to stay there for now.  On the plus side it could potentially be an icebreaker topic to share with her new housemates; whoever they turned out to be.

She knew her new housemates were two guys who had moved into the house a few months earlier. Living with two guys didn’t worry her. She seemed to always get on better with guys and only had a couple of female friends.

Taking a deep breath, she decided to keep going. There was no option to turn back. She had to move forward. She turned her attention to her belongings that sat on the pavement beside her.

She’d had to borrow her mum’s luggage which was actually older than her sister Mona and her. Her parents had been given the luggage set as a wedding gift over 25 years ago. The tan leather was now faded and scuffed, which Avery had thought was quite symbolic. Their relationship had fallen apart when she and Mona were just four years old.

Avery wasn’t supposed to know that her parents had only got married because her mum had fallen pregnant with them. It was apparently the right thing to do back then. People didn’t always marry for love. It was supposed to be a closely guarded family secret. Avery only knew because her mum once told her when she was drunk. Celebrating what would have been their tenth wedding anniversary.

She wasn’t too sure if her mum remembered telling her the secret as she never mentioned it again; drunk or sober. Avery kept the secret to herself and decided not to tell Mona. She thought it was best to protect her sister from the truth.

She’d only packed most of her clothes and a few essentials. Her mum was going to Fed Ex some of her other boxes of stuff in the next few days. She couldn’t take everything with her today especially as she was travelling to Watford on the train. She wondered if her new housemates would be willing to help her bring her stuff into the house. Otherwise it would take a few awkward trips back and forth to bring her stuff into her new home.

“Come on Avery,” she told herself firmly. “You can do this. Pull yourself together.”

Before she moved forwards she reached into the left hand pocket of her hoody and pulled out a plastic figure and stared at it. It was wearing a pinstriped suit and his brown hair was styled in a bouffant quiff. The figure was of David Tennant’s reincarnation of the Doctor from Doctor Who. If the Doctor could take on the Daleks, Weeping Angels and Cybermen and win; she could do this.

Most people probably had traditional comfort blankets like a comforter or soft toy that they had when they were a baby. Avery was different. She had an action figure of her favourite Doctor. It came with her everywhere and lived in her bag or jacket pocket. He was her travelling companion.

She kissed the Doctor’s head before returning him to her pocket and took hold of one of her suitcase handles with one hand and brushed her mint green fringe out of her eyes with the other hand. Triumphantly she took a step towards the house.

As she walked up her new home’s front garden path, her paranoid side took over. She half expected to see the words ‘Red Rum’ scrawled across the path in angry red chalk letters. But the words weren’t there so she willed herself forward cautiously, one foot in front of the other.

She noticed that the terraced house’s exterior was much shabbier than it had been in the photos that the Landlord, Mr Harris had attached to the ‘Gumtree’ advert. The photos that he had posted against the advert must have been a few years out of date.

The cream painted pebble dashed exterior was patchy in places where the paint had chipped off, leaving the pebbles exposed to the elements. When looking at the photos, her attention had been drawn to the front door. It was almost the same shade of dark blue as the Doctor’s T.A.R.D.I.S. She liked the fact the house was flawed. She was flawed too. Deep down she knew that they were kindred spirits. Number 28 Swallowfield Avenue was where she belonged.

She plucked up courage to ring the doorbell, which let out a disjointed robot ‘ding dong.’ The doorbell battery was obviously running out but no one had bothered replacing it. Seconds passed which felt like hours. Then around her suddenly seemed to grow colder, making her shiver.

As she waited awkwardly on the doorstep, negative thoughts started to flood her head. She tried to think of something else but they wouldn’t stop and they started to make her feel more disorientated. She shook her head trying to get rid of them like an ‘Etch a Sketch’ when it erased the iron filling doodles.

The overwhelming urge to make a hasty retreat swept over her like a tidal wave, suppressing the rest of the voices inside her head. Suddenly she was distracted by a new voice which was coming from above her.

“Ellis! You have a few more minutes. It’s not the pizza guy. It’s a girl!”

Quickly Avery looked up to see a stranger at the door, staring down at her with a bemused expression look on his face. She’d been too wrapped up in her powerful thoughts. She hadn’t realised someone had opened the front door.

Clumsily she took a step backwards, forgetting she was standing on a doorstep, not the flat garden path. Not prepared for dismounting the doorstep she found herself falling backwards into the night air. She felt like she was falling in slow motion.

She shut her eyes bracing herself for the impact with the path. But she didn’t collide with the concrete. Indeed, she wasn’t falling anymore. Moments later she felt herself being pulled up back into a standing position by someone. Quickly she opened her eyes, curious to see who had rescued her.

The guy was now standing on the doorstep, towering over her with a grin like the Cheshire cat from ‘Alice In Wonderland’.

Awkwardly she became acutely aware that she was still holding his hand, even though she now was standing firmly on the garden path. He didn’t seem to mind that they were still holding hands, as he was not showing any signs of letting go. He’s hand felt warm wrapped around her ice cold fingers.

Embarrassed she quickly let go and let her arm fall to her side. The guy was obviously amused by her goofy behaviour as he let out a brief chuckle.

He looked like a giant compared to her as Avery was just shy of 5.4ft in height and he seemed to be at least a foot taller. Perhaps even taller! He was stocky in stature with loose fiery auburn curls that hung just above his shoulders.

He reminded her of a taller and beefer version of Mick Hucknall, the lead singer of her mum’s favourite band Simply Red. She noticed his navy hoody could barely contain his muscular biceps. She wondered if he played rugby as a hobby. He certainly had the build for it. She predicted that some people might be intimidated by his appearance. But for some reasons she wasn’t.

 “Hi, I’m Avery,” she said boldly, breaking the silence.

“You’re Avery?” The guy replied revealing his thick Welsh accent. “But you’re a girl. Not a boy.”

“I’m definitely a girl. I’ve always been a girl,” she said confidently, which surprised her. “I’ve been rocking this body since 1986.”

“So Avery can be a girl’s name too.” The guy paused, seeming to take in this new revelation. “That’s good to know. Old Mr Harris must have not known that. He told us that our new housemate was a dude not a chick.” He winked at her, which made Avery relax more.

“Well we only exchanged emails and you can’t really workout the sex of me by my email address. Invisiblyflawed86@hotmail.com.” She couldn’t believe she was giving a complete stranger her email address. She knew Mona wouldn’t approve of this. But Mona wasn’t here to judge.

“That’s a very ‘Emo’ email address.” The guy laughed. “I better not tell you mine. It’s a bit X-rated and we’ve only just met. Anyways, girl Avery, you are a day early. We were told you were arriving tomorrow. But I guess that’s another mix up care of Mr Harris.”

“Definitely another mix up.” Avery agreed nodding.

“Does it matter?” Avery asked, starting to feel a pang of anxiety growing inside of her. She suddenly realised that going back to York wasn’t an option.

“Matter?” The guy repeated looking confused then slowly he understood. “Nope. It’s not a problem at all. I’m sure that Ellis won’t mind. It will be nice to have a woman’s touch around the house. Asha’s always complaining it’s a bachelor pad and that we never tidy up after ourselves.”

Avery frowned at this remark. Mr Harris had told her that there were only three bedrooms in this property. Currently two rooms were being occupied by this guy and another guy called Ellis. Who was Asha and was she living here too? She didn’t want to live with a girl. That wasn’t part of the plan.

“Asha?” Avery tried to ask casually, but not succeeding as the guy let out a laugh. This embarrassed Avery and she could feel her cheeks start to redden with embarrassment.

“Yes Asha. She’s sort of  friend of mine.” He paused seemingly trying to work out the best way to identify a suitable label to give his ‘friend’ Asha. “A close friend. She hangs out here a fair bit and always complains about the mess. She sleeps over a lot but she doesn’t live with us. I keep telling her that the house just looks lived in. I think lived in is a good thing. Don’t you?“ Avery shook her head enthusiastically whilst the guy continued.

“Apparently Ellis and I are super untidy. We do tidy a bit. The washing up gets done almost every other day and we draw straws to see who will take the bins out each week. We don’t hoover often. It has too many parts to it. It’s like putting a puzzle together. You need be a Mensa member to put it together. I realise that lack of housework is not the best thing to admit to a new housemate.” The guy laughed realising he was digging himself a hole to stand in. But this made Avery like him more by the minute. He was quite friendly and refreshing.

“So can I come in?” Avery asked changing the subject as she realised her feet were starting to get cold. She noticed her warm breath had started to make little clouds in the air as she spoke. She wondered why she hadn’t noticed it until now.

“Blimey!” The guy exclaimed slapping his forehead. “Of course you can. Silly me. I will give you a hand with your stuff.”

He energetically jumped down the steps and darted down the garden towards the luggage which was still sitting on the pavement opposite the house. Before Avery could move or say anything he was at her side holding the rest of her luggage. He looked like a giant pack horse.

“I’m Luca by the way! It’s good to meet you!”

“And you too,” she replied.

“Come on then. Let’s get out of the cold,” he shouted as he headed into the house. Obeying him, Avery quickly took her first steps into her new home.

A few minutes later she was sitting alone in the sitting room on a mustard yellow three-seater sofa, that didn’t match the other sofa or armchair in the room. Luca had shown Avery to her room where they had dumped her belongings on the bed.

He then led her back into the sitting room and insisted on making her a cup of tea to welcome her into her new home. Plus they could have their first meal together once the pizza finally arrived.

The sitting room was quite messy and it also seemed to double up as a dining room. There were discarded items of clothing scattered on the floor and pizza boxes and empty cups stacked up high on the wooden coffee table in the middle of the room. Luca apologised for the mess but Avery didn’t mind. It made the place feel more homely. She liked the fact none of the furniture matched. She was amused that the dining set was actually plastic garden furniture.

Avery was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of footsteps coming from the stairs behind her. Startled, she turned to see who it was.

Coming down the stairs was a guy who had obviously just come out of the shower. He was only wearing a bath towel around his waist and another towel draped round his shoulders. Avery was quite shocked at his overall appearance and didn’t know where to look.

But for some reason she couldn’t look away.  She noticed his skin was still wet.  The little water droplets that had caught in his arm hair shimmered in the light. She also noticed his lean sculpted torso which made her tummy somersault for some strange reason.

“Hi!” Avery found herself calling out whilst spontaneously jumping up from the sofa and extending her hand towards him. “I’m Avery. You must be Ellis.”

Amused, Ellis shook her hand. The handshake lasted for a long time but neither seemed to mind. Both of them seemed to be just happy staring into each other’s eyes. Avery noticed that his eyes were slightly almond in shape and the colour of dark chocolate. Trying to ward off any further embarrassment she let her gaze wonder towards his face. Avery noticed he was now frowning.
“Yes, I am a girl not a boy.” Slowly the guy nodded in recognition whilst scratching his wet short jet black hair.

“You have green hair,” he said as his eyes wandered to the top of her head.

Ever since Avery had read the graphic novel ‘Scott Pilgrim versus the Universe’ she’d decided to regularly change her hair colour. In a way she wanted to be Scott Pilgrim’s love interest Ramona Flowers. She had all the character traits Avery wanted to have, particularly her self-assurance and self-confidence.

Avery’s hair always changed colour but the style hardly ever changed. She had a pixie haircut with a large sweeping fringe, which often fell across her face covering her eyes.

“Yes.”  Avery nodded in response. “I have green hair. Sometimes I have pink hair, blue hair and even rainbow hair.”

“It suits you.” Ellis said, his gaze returning to her eyes. “And I am Ellis. Sorry about my attire. I was in the shower. I heard Luca shout up to me. I thought he was telling me the pizza had arrived.”

“It’s not here yet.” Avery smiled, whilst noticing Ellis was looking around the room.

“Luca’s sorting out plates for the pizza and making me a drink.” Ellis nodded in acknowledgement.

“I better go and get dressed. I don’t want to put you off your dinner.”  Avery watched as he took the towel from his shoulders and handed it to her, which made her frown. “For the bird poop. Must have been our feathery neighbour Harold. He’s always targeting us.”

Avery watched as Ellis he disappeared up the stairs. Moments later she sat back down on the sofa and found herself smiling. Deep down she knew she was going to be happy here.

This was definitely a new start.



Thursday 5 December 2013

Times are changing


It’s taken 31 years but something seems to have finally clicked inside my head. Something seems to have changed for the better. It’s a less dark and despairing place. Though I am not too sure why and I am not sure how long it will last.

To a degree I feel like I’m working towards accepting myself for who I am and hating myself less and less each day. I seem to be gradually becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel less inclined to wish that would become invisible, particularly when I am out and about amongst strangers. Nor I am I constantly willing myself to spontaneously change into a completely different person inside and out that everyone likes, including strangers. I feel less awkward in myself and I don’t feel the need to apologise to everyone for my existence, which I usually find myself doing.

Being out and about is getting easier as I seem to be playing the ‘fun’ game of comparing myself to every other female in terms of physical appearance less and less. Usually my mind automatically does it 24/7, which makes me feel my brain is turning against me constantly. But my mind seems to be less interested with the game and what other females look like. It’s making being out and about a lot less angst ridden and stressful.

I feel more confident when strangers interact with me and on occasions even I feel chuffed with myself when opportunities arise for me to be a good Samaritan. Like when someone drops something without realising or when people need advice about buses whilst I am waiting for a bus. Usually I would feel self-conscious calling out at someone alerting them that they’ve dropped something and ignored people if they asked me when the next bus is due.

I have even started to enjoy talking to OAPs whilst we are sitting together at the bus stop. Listening to stories about their grandchildren or the bargains they got at Poundland whilst they were in town. Previously I have longed for them to stop trying to talk to me and have been on occasions tempted pretend to be a ghost, turning to them and say in a surprise matter, “You can see me?”
Most of the time I am able to look at myself in the mirror without recoiling which is usually unheard of. Instead I can acknowledge my reflection staring back at me. I often pull silly faces at myself which makes me smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside which generally is an alien concept.

I no longer feel the need to stay in my pyjamas all day and loathe the entire contents of my wardrobe. Nor do I want to cut up all my clothes so I have an excuse not to leave the house. When I wake up now look forward to choosing an outfit and working out what accessories to wear. I have been enjoying going out and treating myself to new pretty dresses; though I still will not set foot into the horror which is the shop changing rooms. I feel one step closer to embracing my curves and not hating the skin I am in. I am even accepting compliments from people and not dismissing them automatically.

I am no longer considering myself as an as an asexual being like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. I am accepting the notion that at some point in the future I might meet a guy that likes me for who I am and will want to have a proper, healthy relationship with me. I no longer feel like I am destined to be a crazy hamster lady, my version of a crazy cat lady.

Recently I have been talking to a few new guys and have been enjoying getting to know them, without wondering why they are wasting their time talking to me. I even find myself occasionally flirting and being flirted back to.

I feel quite daring as six months ago I would shy away from talking to guys and ignore the emails that my inbox of a dating website from prospective suitors. I like the idea of going out on a date and enjoying a bit of face to face contact instead of chatting through cyperspace and texts.

In terms of my relationships with friends and family I feel that they have greatly improved. I feel that my relationship with my parents has become much stronger. I don’t feel like the black sheep of the family and like I am a valid member of my family. My parents seem to be more intimate with me and allow me give them the occasional hugs and kisses. For most of my life I have longed for my parents to be more tactile with me and hated the fact that I would have to ask for a hug when I need one.

I feel like I have become more choosey with who are my friends and who I socialise with. I am no longer putting my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I am distancing myself from friends who I can get swept up in their issues and their emotions, where friendships feel one sided. I am now focusing my time on friends who I enjoy spending time with and they enjoy spending time with me.

For the first time in my life I am feeling positive about my future and accepting that I do actually have a future. Previously I couldn’t cope with planning what I was doing the next day, so thinking of my future in terms of months and years was inconceivable. I always felt I was living on borrowed time since my first breakdown ten years ago so there was no point planning a future. I couldn’t see past my depression and other mental health problems.

So all in all I am feeling more hopeful about things, although I am wondering how long this pragmatic period will last. I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed that it’s here to stay.