The Oxford dictionary defines friendship as, “The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.”
In some ways I think I would be better off without friends. Leading a hermit life whilst being friendless. I have always found friendships tricky, like a friendship minefield. One false move and you’ve reduced your friendship into tatters. I feel like I am constantly charting a boat in uncharted waters.
In primary school I don’t think I made any proper friends and preferred to clean classrooms during lunchtime instead of leaving myself vulnerable on the school playground. Things got a lot worse in secondary school. I tried to integrate with other children and join friendship groups but I always felt like an outsider.
When other girls singled me out to be their best friend, I always wary of being flavour of the month. It never lasted. I was always cast out after the month is up and replaced by a more popular girl. In sixth form I spent two years being bullied by a group of girls.
The ring leader being the first friend I made when I got to secondary school. In the end I survived school by being a loner, which meant I was less valuable and less paranoid. My issues with friends and friendships didn’t stop when I left secondary school. It continued throughout my adult life.
A handful of friends have stuck by me. But most have disappeared into a puff of smoke or left my life leaving a trail of destruction behind them.
I feel that I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons about friendships this year, which I have changed my perspective about friendships past and present.
I have realised that it not best not to label friends with terms like close friends and best friends. Putting friends on imaginary pedestals, leads to disappointment and me being let down in spectacular fashion.
I have in turn learnt not to put any friend before my family and more importantly myself. I must remember blood is thicker than water.
I have discovered that friendships constantly evolve as they exist between two people. A friendship is a two way street. A balancing act like two children on a see-saw.
I now acknowledge that sometimes friendships naturally run their course and I need to learn to let go. There’s no point trying to fix a flagging friendship on your own, because you’re clutching onto memories of when it was a healthy friendship. You cannot operate a friendship on your own.
There’s no point dwelling on lost friendship as you get to keep the fond memories of times you shared together.
I have learnt the hard way that there is no point wasting my time or energy on fair weather friends who take, take, take when they need someone. But in turn disappear when things aren’t going well for me and I need extra support. Not responding to my calls or texts. This has led me to realise that I need to keep friends that have stayed by me through dark and disappearing times close to my heart.
The most important thing I have learnt is that I am actually a good, loyal, caring and trustworthy friend. When I doubt my ability as a friend I just need to reflect on my healthy existing friendships and what I bring to the friendships. After all many people have been friends with a person for 30 years and counting.
Hopefully the lessons about friendships I have learnt this year will stay with me next year. Enabling my existing friendships to stay healthy and allowing me to recognise faux friendships. More importantly I hope what I’ve learnt means I can make new friends more easily without being paranoid of people’s ulterior motives.
When it comes down to friendships, I think my future is bright.
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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