Thursday 5 December 2013

Times are changing


It’s taken 31 years but something seems to have finally clicked inside my head. Something seems to have changed for the better. It’s a less dark and despairing place. Though I am not too sure why and I am not sure how long it will last.

To a degree I feel like I’m working towards accepting myself for who I am and hating myself less and less each day. I seem to be gradually becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel less inclined to wish that would become invisible, particularly when I am out and about amongst strangers. Nor I am I constantly willing myself to spontaneously change into a completely different person inside and out that everyone likes, including strangers. I feel less awkward in myself and I don’t feel the need to apologise to everyone for my existence, which I usually find myself doing.

Being out and about is getting easier as I seem to be playing the ‘fun’ game of comparing myself to every other female in terms of physical appearance less and less. Usually my mind automatically does it 24/7, which makes me feel my brain is turning against me constantly. But my mind seems to be less interested with the game and what other females look like. It’s making being out and about a lot less angst ridden and stressful.

I feel more confident when strangers interact with me and on occasions even I feel chuffed with myself when opportunities arise for me to be a good Samaritan. Like when someone drops something without realising or when people need advice about buses whilst I am waiting for a bus. Usually I would feel self-conscious calling out at someone alerting them that they’ve dropped something and ignored people if they asked me when the next bus is due.

I have even started to enjoy talking to OAPs whilst we are sitting together at the bus stop. Listening to stories about their grandchildren or the bargains they got at Poundland whilst they were in town. Previously I have longed for them to stop trying to talk to me and have been on occasions tempted pretend to be a ghost, turning to them and say in a surprise matter, “You can see me?”
Most of the time I am able to look at myself in the mirror without recoiling which is usually unheard of. Instead I can acknowledge my reflection staring back at me. I often pull silly faces at myself which makes me smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside which generally is an alien concept.

I no longer feel the need to stay in my pyjamas all day and loathe the entire contents of my wardrobe. Nor do I want to cut up all my clothes so I have an excuse not to leave the house. When I wake up now look forward to choosing an outfit and working out what accessories to wear. I have been enjoying going out and treating myself to new pretty dresses; though I still will not set foot into the horror which is the shop changing rooms. I feel one step closer to embracing my curves and not hating the skin I am in. I am even accepting compliments from people and not dismissing them automatically.

I am no longer considering myself as an as an asexual being like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. I am accepting the notion that at some point in the future I might meet a guy that likes me for who I am and will want to have a proper, healthy relationship with me. I no longer feel like I am destined to be a crazy hamster lady, my version of a crazy cat lady.

Recently I have been talking to a few new guys and have been enjoying getting to know them, without wondering why they are wasting their time talking to me. I even find myself occasionally flirting and being flirted back to.

I feel quite daring as six months ago I would shy away from talking to guys and ignore the emails that my inbox of a dating website from prospective suitors. I like the idea of going out on a date and enjoying a bit of face to face contact instead of chatting through cyperspace and texts.

In terms of my relationships with friends and family I feel that they have greatly improved. I feel that my relationship with my parents has become much stronger. I don’t feel like the black sheep of the family and like I am a valid member of my family. My parents seem to be more intimate with me and allow me give them the occasional hugs and kisses. For most of my life I have longed for my parents to be more tactile with me and hated the fact that I would have to ask for a hug when I need one.

I feel like I have become more choosey with who are my friends and who I socialise with. I am no longer putting my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I am distancing myself from friends who I can get swept up in their issues and their emotions, where friendships feel one sided. I am now focusing my time on friends who I enjoy spending time with and they enjoy spending time with me.

For the first time in my life I am feeling positive about my future and accepting that I do actually have a future. Previously I couldn’t cope with planning what I was doing the next day, so thinking of my future in terms of months and years was inconceivable. I always felt I was living on borrowed time since my first breakdown ten years ago so there was no point planning a future. I couldn’t see past my depression and other mental health problems.

So all in all I am feeling more hopeful about things, although I am wondering how long this pragmatic period will last. I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed that it’s here to stay.

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