Wednesday 17 July 2013

Empty

I feel empty. I am an empty vessel. I feel like I'm a Vulcan, devoid of any feelings or emotions. Like someone's switched something off inside me. 

I'm the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. I have no heart. Inside I only feel cold or nothingness. I don't feel sad, happy, upset or angry. Nothing seems to bother me. Nobody annoys me anymore. My opinions seem pointless so why should I share them.


I'm a spectator. An observer of life. I don't participate. I feel like I'm invisible. I long to be invisible. I've spent most of my life wishing I didn't. To not exist is my birthday wish each year. I'm still waiting for the wish to come true.


When I'm out as a part of a group, I long to disappear. If I sit still long enough and don't move I will blend into the background. The people I'm sitting with will forget I'm there. Leaving me to listen. Information goes into my head but nothing comes out of my mouth.


Being empty doesn't worry me. It's actually a big relief. I'd rather feel nothing than feel too much which is my other mode. I hate it when I am consumed with depression, despair, self-hatred, self-loathing. When I feel too much I feel haunted by my past which is played over and over in my head. Being plagued with constant obsessive and negative thoughts doesn't leave much room for anything else.


Living with emptiness is fine with me. Even though I feel like I've stopped  living. I don't feel like I have a life anymore. 


When I feel empty, emotions feel alien to me and I'm ok with it.

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